too much of having not enough.

Too tiered and weary of not haveing friends by my side, how I long to hold the one I love and yet she always seems the arms distance from me. How I hope to do great things but feel myself sucked in to the pit or mediogracy. I have achieved nothing my pattions is thin with trife that will not be worked out. my life assured to be a relentless one however long it will be, and my eyes grow tiered of the scenery. I want to do something better then I am now, I want to be someone better then I am now I have what to offer though? what do I have to give that other people want and why do I have no running power twords thoughs goals I know what I could do, join the military, and they will teach me to be great they will teach me to excell in to the future of the world and my life. but I now 18 have already become board with life. What does this say to me? was I destined to do something and have now lost the trail of the chase? have I turnd the wrong path and am now wondering aimlessly tword my own demise? I've always gotten along with older veterans of life rather then my peers so cocky in their self rightious beliefes I know my limits and I know i can push myself beyond thoughs limits to do extrodinary thigns. I've not given up, I've not felt defeated from a problem that I could not defeat later on but now so early in the "game" I seem not tiered of living but board. I have provided for myself I have graduated school i have supported a family I have creatid debt and delt with it I have bayed bills and accumulatid savings I have done what must be done in life and now as always I lack direction. where to go from here? After having lived such a short life I feel I have not much to grasp in this perticular place. my occupation, seems to be stuck at the moment everyone is ahead of me and I am due something more that I haven't proven myself to the ones here is a lack of consintration on my part I know but in speculation it all seems pointless what are we doing to do anything? we are basicly sitting on our hands and watching life pass us by 12 hour shifts 5 days a week pay the bills but they do not let you live a life. I feel weary without my friends to comfort me without the girlfriend that i had to love me. I now want no companion ship the friends that I would have here. now provide no pleasure of conversation.......pointless.

                                                    Brad, I'm sorry to even myself for not feeling the need to finish.

Hello neighbor

    Hey good children how are you this day? truly intrested in all things of course. Life has been a busy little box of headaches, but what can you do other then bite your lip and tough it out so here I am. Thought I might drop off a little bit of the ideas for you today in your own little box of fantasticness. lololol aren't I cute and funny. Anyway back to whatever I was talking about....um...Nothing! Yay that was it. So I am going to add a lot of punctuation in this little letter of yorn. 'Cause I thought it would be fun. so here I am. adding punctuation. ... dot dot dot. love love question mark ?? love love. and cake pies for all you. um..............came up with a couple more good songs for all you kido's one intitled "I made this song for you because it's the most beautiful thing I've ever written" lol gotta love it right. Anywho I guess I'll go for now and you peeps continue to have all the fun in the world just like you have been right....ah....ah ....yeah that's right.

                                                                           Laughs Out Loud

Hey kids it's been a while. Well no worry I'm back, From outerspace. So anyway me and my father had a little argument yesterday we got out of the truck thretining to beat the crap out of eachother but lucky for me I had my handy dandy drum sticks raped in tape so I was well off although he still would have beat the crap out of me but it didn't come to that we talked about some stuff he blamed it all on me and nothing was ever his fault and Anyway it turns out this thing has been sitting here for like and hour and I haven't worked on it so I'm just gonna leave with a few simple words of advice in the world. DON'T FUCK IT UP!!!! love love and true capulet. peace.

                                                                                               Brad

hum....

   So I suppose this thing is suppose to be more of a online journal then a chat room so I'll just go on with the writing I guess. I got back to my house this last weekend and I received a "worm welcome" involving my bedroom. My dad and new step mom got me a bed which was really nice. And her parents which like me by the way got me new pillows and sheets and the whole kit and caboodle. It's the nicest bed I've ever had so it's really good and I'm glad for it, and though's who took the time to get it for me. I was talking to my father about it and he said he would have gotten me a single, like I use to have, instead of the full, but Karen was there and talked that guy into buying something nice for his freakin' son!!!!! and he comforted his self by telling me that after I get kicked out they can turn it into a guest room and use that bed for a good purpose instead of being wasted on me. So that was nice. Karen's kids are living with us now and, The situation is tense to say the least. Karen was saying he was being an ass (which I can't contradict) and there's practically nothing for them too eat. I'm not there like ever cause I don't want to be with them or whatever but thoughs kids are dead if someone doesn't buy them a meal a day. I mean shit people feed your fucking kids. I know they don't go hungry and Karen would kill everyone in the house including her self to make sure her kids grow up good, well fed, healthy and all and I admire her so much for that. But my dad has totally disregarded / neglected the tattered "family" that he got himself and me into. Man if you haven't got the balls to deal with something don't get yourself in to the situation. Now don't get me wrong I'm so very glad Karen and the kids are there I think this will be a valuable lesson for dad and everyone involved but I don't want to see another marriage and another mother go down the drain because he's being such a dick. He's gotta be thinking by now well if two wives didn't work out maybe it's me. Right? Anyway so I'm at my friends families house and staying as far from that crap as I can all though it's un intentional I just really like my friends I came to this conclusion through out the day's I've been back. So anyway I'm hungry cause I haven't eaten for the better part of two days. So some of this letter is probably Crankiness but the logic still is the same. I haven't talked to my friend Brian in a long while he has stop contacting me and I thought he was suppose to come back to AR before me but I haven't heard anything from / about him so I'm kinda like well crap. and I hope he's ok. But if nothing els he's now in heaven where he belongs. I have however gotten to see some of my very good friends while I've been here. and I'm so very glad for it as well. And we had some fun. Went to Ft. Smith Saw a movie Ate some food it was a good time. Anyway like I said in my previous posts I hade a job at a temp agency up in Oregon which distributed me out to several companies and I always got good reviews which was nice. People appreciated my work which really made me feel good. They kept calling me back for a job at rent-A-center where I worked in the back room moving all there furniture cleaning everything up organizing and going around in the trucks making deliveries which was fun but this was nothing ordinary I mean there was a LOT of stuff they wanted moved and organized like huge couches, big screens, recliners, washers and drying units, computers and more. But I had a good time and minimum wage up there is $7.50 Which is also pretty darn nice. Unlike here which happens to be the national minimum of $5.15 an hour. But anyway I told my dad of the plan of me getting the drivers licens, car, job, etc. not necessarily in that order but anyway I have some money left from my trip which can go towards the car and although I spent more then I thought on the Ft. smith trip I still have sufficient amounts. so that's all good got some stuff for band camp today but it's like a week away or less then actually and I haven't even seen the music. But hey it's all fun and games anyway. so love love world and I'm out for now cause I'm dog tiered.

LOL

I just realized something. The internal clock on the pc must be off cause it sais I made that last entry on july 5th. But I assure you that it was the 4th when I wrote that kk. lol I thought that was pretty funny myself but then again no one els in this world has a sence of humor so I guess I'm all alone.

                                             love and peace though.